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When I was small, I remember my parents getting ready to go out. I would watch my mom put her make up on and follow her from her room to her bathroom and back again. I was obsessed with her. She was by the far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. This included Wonder Woman aka Lynda Carter aka Diana Prince who was my second most favorite woman at the time.
My mom was all decked in her Planet of the Ape’s leather trench coat with the butterfly collar and this dress that I was convinced was the most stylish thing I had ever seen. A wrap style number with green diagonal stripes on some white polyester background with a tie belt – (yes this was the 70’s) certainly something that Chrissy Snow would wear on Three’s Company. She smelled different when she was going out - like make up and perfume, I believe it was L’Air Du Temps back then. It all seemed so glamourous. My dad would wear his aquamarine ring that he only wore for certain occasions with a sport coat that was very likely tweed. I am sure he was also whistling while he looked in the mirror and said, “Damn, I am good looking.”
I remember feeling excited for them but also sitting on a twang of anxiety about what babysitter was coming or that just maybe, my parents would never come back. I was that kid who was always worried about everything. Worst case scenario was my go-to which is how I know I was born this way. Like all little kids, I loved my parents, and especially my mom, whom I idolized in a very single white female kind of way. She was my sun.
They always came back fortunately, and only a few of our babysitters were total weirdos, so I worried for naught. Except now, they are both gone. And at times, that feels worse than what 5 year old me ever imagined.
A lot of time had passed since those days but I can still feel it. The weight of her presence in my life, at the center of my orbit. The thing that I circle around, even now, three years after she is gone from sight. I know that she is as close to me now as my shadow and that she intervenes in so many ways, for me, our family, her friends and for Mike. She sends us all signs whether it is a song, a bird, a heads up dime or something else entirely. My Mom was passionate as hell about the people she cared about and that hasn’t changed since her passing. Days like today are hard no doubt. Her sparkle and strength are most definitely not visible any longer. I for one consider myself grateful for all that she has given me, taught me and for making me resilient as hell and showing me how to have the most fun no matter what life throws at you.
In honor of my mother, I encourage you all to wear your party pants, laugh loudly and often and dance any time you have the chance.
#grief #connection #loveneverdies #wearyourpartypants #loveisallyouneed #youarethesun #iamthemoon #signs #dimes #notgoodbye #momgrief #anniversary #deathisbutadream
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